As a society, we’re more connected to others than we have ever been before. We literally hold the world in the palms of our hands. We are also, simultaneously, more disconnected from the other human beings around us than we ever have been. It’s no surprise then that loneliness has been called the “epidemic of the 21st century”; and it’s apparent that since the COVID-19 pandemic, it has only become worse.
Why is it so bad and why are we making a big deal out of something that has existed for centuries? Well, because recent scientific research has demonstrated that loneliness is associated with severe physical illness. It’s associated with a 50% increased risk of dementia and a 30% increased risk of coronary disease and stroke. In fact, loneliness is so bad for your health, it’s impact has been estimated to be the same as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!
But loneliness is not just about who is around you. The fact that more and more people now can spend their whole days working without being in anyone else’s physical company can exacerbate the issue, but loneliness is an emotional state. It is a feeling. You will remember times that you were surrounded by scores of people but felt completely alone. You can have the most amazing social life with hundreds of people who call themselves your friends and go out every night interacting with people you know and still feel completely and utterly lonely.
Loneliness is not just about who is around you. . . it is an emotional state.
This is because loneliness is not about the quantity of connections you have, rather the quality of the connections. Feeling lonely is an emotional state within yourself. So, the solution isn’t necessarily getting out more (although that will likely have other mental health benefits), it’s about figuring out how to connect better with other people in your life, creating more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
This isn’t easy to do, and that is why getting psychological therapy might be required to help you figure out:
What personal factors, such as past traumas, attachment styles or cognitive frameworks you use to make sense of the world (otherwise known as schemas) are contributing to your struggle to connect wholeheartedly with others
Why, despite being connected to many people around you, are these existing relationships not helping you feel connected
How to reframe and ultimately transform your relationships into more meaningful connections.
So now you may be asking, “How will therapy help me feel less lonely? Shouldn’t I just reach out to my fiends more? Can’t I just increase the quality time I have with them?” Well, that’s a great thing to do and it might work but it’s often not enough. That’s because human beings are inherently social beings and so the feeling of loneliness typically sets off warning systems in your brain that something is wrong. Unfortunately, the warning system associated with feeling lonely also raises anxiety, another complex emotional state, which leads you to isolate and avoid and makes connecting to others even more difficult.
Therapy is a valuable tool to help you get a better sense of these complex emotions.
Research has shown that better ability to regulate your emotions is associated with lower levels of perceived loneliness. This makes sense given that loneliness is an emotional state. If you’re better able to notice and then manage your emotions, you’ll be better able to express those emotions in a calm manner, which in turn helps you connect to other people.
What’s more, given that therapy is a social connection based on a deep emotional connection with another person, the experience itself can help explore the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that might be impacting your connections with others. As with most issues, talking to a therapist can highlight our own ‘blind spots’ and help us all to be better aware of ourselves so we can live a more fulfilled and well-connected life with others.
Hoda Golestani, Psychologist
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